Do I love myself? Continued...
Jan 2024
Psychiatry Appointment Notes
- If you want to change the output, you have to change the input.
- You can't expect things to change if you keep doing everything the same way. Might need a radical change which can be exciting.
- Self Care
- How to really put myself at the top of the list before anyone else.
- I am separate from anyone else
- Get up every morning with gratitude
- Work through the CBT book
- Exercise every day - when Rosie is at school
- Bible Study
- Add an hour to Rosie's schooling
- Join the mom's group
Jan 2025
Counseling Notes
It’s ok to take up space - learn to love taking up space
- Guilt free for not having to be every role
- What is my role in this relationship/situation?
- Raised to feel guilty?
- True love waits
- Surrender
- It’s ok to have my own thoughts and be my own person
- Example: not want to pay attention to political things
- Not want to talk about hard things most of the time
- Can I accept myself for exactly who I am? And be unapologetic for who I am?
It is disheartening seeing my notes from a year ago and now this year. They are mostly the same things. Which really shouldn't be that surprising since these areas are the ones that I have struggled with most of my life.
I feel like I've been so excited about many things this month that keep letting me down.
House of Colour
expectation - feeling encouraged and empowered
reality - feeling tense and quiet since I had invited my mom and cared too much about what she thought the whole time and was self conscious about my hair and weight the whole time
Hair Appointment
expectation - leaving encouraged and confident in having blonde hair again
reality - leaving discouraged because you can see my gray roots so much now and needing to go back and get it fixed earlier than I wanted and it costs so much
Birthday Events
expectation - feeling encouraged with time with friends
reality - I was sick and didn't realize it, so I was extra quiet, tired and didn't feel good.
Night to myself in a hotel
expectation - A quiet, relaxing time for me to have a cozy room looking at nature and get rest and reflection time I needed
reality - the hotel I really wanted and booked gave my room to someone else changing the whole plan, the second hotel had the tub, but things in the room kept breaking. I felt guilty for going to such an expensive hotel to begin with and didn't feel like I deserved it since Jason would be home with the girls, Rosie crying so much when I left, feeling guilty that I didn't come home refreshed, but frustrated and disappointed that it went so differently than I wanted, guilty I couldn't just enjoy the good parts and ignore the rest or just "go with the flow" with the hiccups
Lies constantly in my head
I am fat
I am ugly
My people are too busy to care about me
It's up to me to change my life and be happy
I am wrong for having negative thoughts
I am replaceable
What I do for people doesn't matter
I have to do things for others for them to care about me
I am wrong because I can't see the silver lining in each situation and just focus on the good parts. It's not all bad or all good, so I am wrong for thinking things feel bad
Things I don't believe even though people tell me
I am needed
I matter
I am loved
People appreciate me
That thank you really means anything
Truths whether I believe it or not
God loves me more than anyone ever could
God loves me despite me
Reality of who I am in Christ - sometimes hard to believe these things because I feel like I'm constantly just reminded of the things I am lacking in or not doing enough of and how I need to try harder
How to really be FREE in Christ?
Not what "should I be doing?" but "why do I enjoy ___?"