Here again...

Here I am again. Waiting. Unsettled. Longing for a baby. The ache coming back. But also the ache for this season of my life to be complete. For our family to be complete. To have the waiting gone. To feel like I will be able to know more of who I really am/what I want to do/feel like life might be more stable/predictable once this season is defined. Finished. 

How do I thrive and feel like I truly know who I am, when I don't know when our lives might radically change with a phone call. Or with hearing "she changed her mind?" catapulting us right back where we started. As a stay at home mom that enjoys the flexibility, but feels so unsettled and always like I'm flailing around/reacting to life I long for some sort of grounding. The adoption wait makes me feel like I can't decide anything long term because I never know when it might change. When I have to change to be home with the baby. Yet, again we have no idea how long this waiting will continue.

The unknown is so hard. Living in midst of an unknown future and being left with so much confusion of "why did that just happen."

How do I separate each hard thing and not just have this cumulative effect of each hard thing building on the next? Ever since cancer in 2017, with each new hard thing, I get thrown back to that starting point and then feel the weight, not just from the current hard, but with each thing since then. How in the future, do I separate them all and stay in the present being able to see...Where I am right now? Who I am right now? What the Lord is doing right now? 

Lord, I truly believe that you do use each part of our stories for your glory, but how do I have joy in that? How do I rid the feelings of frustration and selfishness in wanting my story to be different? To be able to praise you because I actually wanted the sweet baby boy and not just to be someone who prayed for his mom and for him?

The tattoo on my foot is Isaiah 6:8 "The Lord looked out and said, "Who will go for us? Whom shall I send?" And Isaiah said, "Here am I, Lord. Send me."

I truly, genuinely believe this and want to be used in each situation. To be able to share and help others by showing them You in each my trials and joys. But Lord...I'm tired. I'm weary. I need you and your strength to not be bitter. To see you in them. To have strength as I continue to wait. For wisdom as we continue to wait and live each day for you.

.....

Oh and strength to take care of my body and fight off the continual lies revolving around weight and health and guilt for not taking care of it. But Lord, that feels like a whole other big topic, but Lord I need you in that too.