Stuck - just a ramble of thoughts

Stuck

Overwhelmed 

Lost 

Bored

Sad

Want a baby so, so much

Body Shaming 

Guilty

Mad

Feel guilty for not wanting to play with Rosie more, guilty for too much tv, guilty for needing Jason emotionally more than he needs me, guilty for not letting him just be sick, guilty for being mad at my kid for biting and hitting and lying, guilty that I am overwhelmed at all, Comparison -  with Chassity as a single mom, with people who get chosen before we do in adoption, Mad - that our agency doesn't ask how we are doing and it's up to us to reach out, mad that there have been so many changes in the two years we have been waiting, mad that God has us in this wilderness

Lord, 

It's been a long week. I am so grateful for time to just sit at a coffee shop and slow down. Lord, I pray for Regina and her family. I pray for peace and comfort. Lord, it's just so, so sad and scary and awful. Be with my sweet friend this week. Give her comfort and strength only from you. 

God, in light of Regina losing her uncle, how I'm feeling doesn't seem as big of a deal. I do feel all of those things above. Especially the bored as a Stay at Home Mom, but Lord I really think that after a week of Rosie at school, my capacity will be back up and energy back and mental health back to where it needs to be. 

Lord, being a Christian and following you feels so confusing lately. Not necessarily when I think of just you and me, but in light of the events in the US. Uvalde, Buffalo, Roe vs. Wade, how stinking hot it is outside, what do I believe and think about LGBTQ. How to grieve well. How to be grateful for what you've give, yet still grieve in light of dreams that are unfulfilled. I feel lost with who I am knowing that I have so much I can do and parts of me that feel like they are dying inside. 

I do not like being a stay at home mom. I like the flexibility and ability to not report to anyone. I like getting to be at the pool and have playdates. I like being able to not have to "take off" if Rosie is sick. But I do not like the constant figuring out what to do with her. Constant having to deal with disappointment. Constant being on. Not being with adults. Having to always entertain. To figure out childcare if something comes up. I don't like having my world have to revolve around what is going to keep a 3 year old happy and busy. 

Maybe it's just harder because of summer and her being with me more than during the school year. The 24/7 feel of it. 

I think I would like a job more. Thank you for my volunteering job. For a time to do something that is just mine. I'm realizing how hard it's been on me, not to have gone the past two weeks.  Not to have gotten that outlet.