Well Here Goes
Lord, I love my husband so much. I hate that he felt that he can't tell me things because he didn't want to hurt my feelings or hurt me. Lord, I have you. I can take it. I so desire 100% full communication between us whatever it is. How many times have we said we don't have secrets from each other, yet we did have our areas lingering in the background. We were lying to each other. I got all of my stuff fully out, but does he have more?
I can't judge Jason without looking in my own soul. With what I shared with him, I just thought before, "Well it's not a big deal, I confessed to the Lord, feel forgiven from the Lord, repented and changed my ways" "It was so long ago" so I don't have to tell Jason. But Lord that means I lied to him. Which is still sin and breaks trust even more. Lord, I'm so, so sorry. Jason, I'm so, so sorry. We both value integrity so much and I broke that by not being upfront back in 2018. I could have said "Jason, my trainer is attractive to me. I want to finish training, but pray for my heart." or "I want to get healthy, but I should change trainers." Instead I walled up, confessed to LTG and Regina, had them pray for me, got through the training and basically refused to go to 24 Hour Fitness anymore after training was over. I remember one time during those 4 weeks desperately wanting Jason to ask me on a date and setting these unrealistic expectations on him for how I wanted him to woo me because I felt shame that I would think anyone else would be as attractive to me as my husband. I look back now and that guy is NO WAY as attractive as Jason, but I still hate that my mind went that way. It scared me. It humbled me that I am not beyond any horrible sin as anyone else. Deeper Sin here - My desire for attention and encouragement and lack of confidence in anyone but the Lord. Tangible Boundaries I set - I flee from being around men to often. Don't watch shows that have men I think are attractive by myself. Don't watch shows that have sexual things in them at all.
And the masturbation. I do feel remorse and embarrassment by those. I should have just woken Jason up and asked if we could have sex. I was thinking only of him while doing it, but I want him to be the one actually satisfying me. Not myself or anyone/anything else. Deeper Sin here/pattern - wanted instant gratification, under the influence of alcohol, usually happened when I saw something sexual on tv and/or drank too much, allowing the sin in the show seem "ok" in real life. Tangible Boundaries I set - no alcohol, wake up Jason
Tangible Steps for all of them - Be in the Word, counseling has helped in the sense of being confident in who the Lord has made me
So what do I do?
Jason has looked at pornography during our marriage. He has gone to other sources besides me for "satisfaction" as recently as this Fall. He has seen other women naked and lusted after them rather than me. And he didn't tell me until I confessed about how I had a crush on my trainer 4 years ago when I was in training and have masturbated 3 times when I was drunk this past summer/fall. We both lied by omission. Yet, I don't know his processing in all of this.
Of course I am hurt, but I forgive him. I love him so deeply. He loves me so well. He makes me feel beautiful. He is so kind to everyone. He is repentant. He so desires to not hurt me. He is a good, good man. My hurt can be healed.
But I still have questions. (Praising the Lord he answered these humbly and openly after reading this post)
How many times has it happened while we have been married? When exactly?
Where did it happen? on the phone? computer? at work? in his car? We are together so much, I'm just confused.
Are there patterns of when it happens?
I'm not asking why to try and shame him, but why?
Does masturbating go along with the same timeline as seeing porn or is that separate?
Has he told any of his good guy friends?
Does he have anyone to ask him how it is going?
Before I knew about it, how did he see it interfere with our marriage?
What has helped him resist the temptation?
What can I do to help him fight this struggle besides pray, pray, pray?
I just want him to have freedom from this sin. I don't want him to feel shame. I want him to not feel like he has to cover things up. I still so love him and do not see him differently. I desire him to feel 100% forgiven and free from the Lord.