humbled gratitude

​Lord,

Thank you for this beautiful, peaceful place to quietly come to you. Thank you for the gift of having a park with a lake so close to my home. Thank you for getting to have the windows down and getting to hear the ducks and birds chirp. The wind blow. The leaves rustle. Getting to see your creation. Your works of art. For the sun providing warmth and light, yet for it still to be cold enough to wear a sweatshirt. 


Thank you for Rosie being in school today so I can have mental space to slow down and come to you without distraction or thinking what I need to do next. Thank you that she loves her school so much and that it’s been such a gift to us this year. 


Thank you for my sweet husband who is such a gift to me. Regardless of what we are walking through, Lord thank you for him. As of January 6, a year ago, Mike was in the hospital and we were getting the roller coaster of updates that ultimately led to him being with you. I feel extra heavy for Jenny right now and Lord, I can not imagine what I would do without Jason. Sometimes I think about how, although, I know this is hard, how I want to throw it out the window and say forget it because if Jason died, I could care less about any of this. 


I know he is repentant. I believe him that he is going to try his hardest to never see porn again. I am so proud of him for being open with me fully, with Ryan, sharing with his best friends, wanting to go to counseling individually and for us together. For getting back in your word. For setting up as many settings as possible to block anything so if a temptation arises again, hopefully nothing can happen. 


For someone who cringes and feels sick to their stomach at vulnerability, thank you for putting him in this situation to face a deep fear and grow. I mean it took him until the week I was having surgery to tell anyone at work I had cancer. I pray this is a wake up call for him to be deeply rooted in you and your word and reach out vulnerability to community more. I know besides this he has been open with me with feelings in our marriage, but thank you that this forces him to be open with men too. 


Lord, I believe that I believe all of this, so why do I wake up with a dread or am quick to get teary. My heart hurts for us, but also him. 


He’s so scared he’s ruined things forever for us and that we will never be the same again. He’s mentioned that he feels like he’s put a barrier between us that has an arms link between us. At first I thought that meant that he thought my hurt will now keep me at an arms length, but I think even when I go close that he feels so ashamed that he doesn’t feel deserving to be closer and he thinks he might keep that arm there himself. 


Lord, I have said I forgive him so much, but Lord help him to truly believe and know your forgiveness. I’ve tried to remind him of how this does not define who he is. Yes, it hurts deeply, but he is still a good man. A kind man. A humble man. That is why he is so repentant. Spirit heal his heart. Heal his shame and give him confidence in knowing he is still so loved by you and me. Help him accept mercy and grace. 


And Lord, help me to draw near to you. Thank you that you are always there. Thank you for your perfect timing. I praise you for the ways that you have us set up so well to walk through this. 

  • me having been in counseling since this summer growing so much in resilience and confidence in who you have made me that I don’t feel like I’m crumbling, just sad and hurt 
  • Signing up for ReEngage although at the time we rated our marriage an 8/8.5 
  • Having Ryan and Jessica as our leaders that we know well, trust and have already walked through this same situation 
  • Rosie being in school 2 days a week
  • Having been established with my nutritionist so even though I reverted back to eating my feelings big time for a couple of days that I already knew how to bounce back and get back on the plan to stay healthy 
  • Having already started going to the Y and having a clear plan from my nutritionist on what to do there so that I didn’t revert back to just staying still and depression kicking in 
  • Having a slower week socially so I don’t feel like I have to lie when people ask how I’m doing. I so want to be respectful of Jason and wise with who I share with, so giving me some time to be me and the Lord to figure some things out before meeting with Jessica on Saturday and get more wisdom 
  • Knitting that keeps my hands busy so I’m not scrolling social media mindlessly and mind focused on something creative 
  • Our driveway unexpectedly getting torn up and redone to see God’s process in making something beautiful and stronger out of something broken and messy 

So I’m sure a different post will have more of the harder questions I have for the Lord. Questions of why am I fine one day and wake up mad the next, thoughts on what I so desire for our marriage and frustration on why can’t we just already be on the other side of this, but for now I’m going to be grateful for the humbled peace.