Differentiation

Differentiation is the ability to maintain your sense of self when your partner is away or when you are not in a primary love relationship. You value contact, but you don't fall apart when you're alone. 

Differentiation is different from similar sounding concepts. It's entirely different from "individualism," which is an egocentric attempt to set ourselves apart from others. Unlike "rugged individualists" who can't sustain a relationship, differentiated folks welcome and maintain intimate connection. Highly differentiated people also behave differently than the terms autonomy or independence suggest. They can be heedful of their impact on others and take their partners' needs and priorities into account. As we discussed earlier, differentiation is the ability to balance individuality and togetherness.

The differentiated self is solid but permeable, allowing you to remain close even when your partner tries to mold or manipulate you. When you have a solid core of values and beliefs, you can change without losing your identity. You can permit yourself to be influenced by others changing as new information and shifting circumstances warrant. Realize, however, that this flexible sense of identity develops slowly, out of soul-searching deliberation-not simply adapting to situations or the wishes of others.

Differentiation doesn't involve any lack of feelings or emotions. You can connect with your partner without fear of being swept up in his or her emotions. You can evaluate your emotions (and your partner's) both subjectively and objectively. You have feelings, but they don't control you or define your sense of self. 

The self-determination of differentiation doesn't imply selfishness. Differentiation is not about always putting yourself ahead of everyone else. You can choose to be guided by your partner's best interests, even at the price of your individual agenda. But it doesn't leave you feeling like you're being ruled by others' needs. As you become more differentiated, you recognize those you love are separate people-just like you. What they want for themselves becomes as important to you as what you want for yourself. You value their interests on a part with yours. You can see merit in their positions, even when they contradict or interfere with your own.

What I'm describing is called mutuality. Differentiation is the key to mutuality; as a perspective, a mind-set, it offers a solution to the central struggle of any long-term relationship: going forward with your own self-development while being concerned with your partner's happiness and well-being. 

When you've reached a high level of differentiation, your view of conflict in relationships shifts dramatically. "What I want for myself versus what you want for you" shifts to "What I want for myself versus my wanting for you what you want for yourself." If you talk your partner out of what he or she wants to you can have your way, you lose. When you participate in the agendas of those you love and sacrifice out of your own differentiation, it enhances your sense of self rather than leaving you feeling like you have sold yourself out.

By now the paradoxes of differentiation would be clear: while differentiation allows us to set ourselves apart from others and determines how far apart we sit, it also opens the space for true togetherness. It is about getting closer and more distinct- rather than more distant. 

Would you, like me, begin to wonder if there was something spiritual about the process?

From Passionate Marriage

Notes from the Couch.... 

What do I do to limit the pain?

What is our response and what’s within our reach? Accessible?

Just because something is painful means I need to change something or I’m out of step. Temptation to if I’m in pain I need to distance self from it and I’m at fault, pain doesn’t mean sin

Goal is in how God made us

Seduction of linear - cause and effect -

Theme - how observe pain without shaming self, tolerate the process, Garden of Gethsemane

The birth mom would reject Jason and Rosie but not me, The bio moms don’t know me, hard to tolerate ambiguity, hard to define that much power to someone else to inform how I see myself - do not give anyone power to define who I am - that is only the Lord's role

Theology - regulate inside of that, reject linear theology

When emotions are raw - what are the pillars of my faith, everything else is icing on the cake or distraction

In hurricane winds of life, what are the pillars?

Post adrenaline blues - cortisol, high jacked nervous system, exhaustion, give self grace to repair while body coming off it

Souls need extra Sabbath - be kind to own soul