The Wait.
The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.
-Isaiah 58:11
Lord,
The wait is so hard. I had a call with the new domestic director for Texas this morning, and while she seems so kind, empathetic, eager to learn and grateful to have the job she is now in, it is a little unsettling how she has never been in the adoption world and she is so, so young. I know she is qualified and able or they would not have hired her, but it feels like our hands and our family are in the hands of someone who is just now getting experience in a "world" that we have now been in for 3 1/2 years. Lord I pray for her. I pray for confidence. I pray she learns quickly. I pray for my own heart to have trust. I pray for my heart and my head to also remember that you are in control. Help me remember she is our advocate. She has an experienced team. You work through her and she leans on you as much as you are for us as well.
And really, that isn't what my heart is sad or anxious about really. It was just easier to type that out first. Really, it was just so hard and sad to hear how few African American expectant mom's are in the process right now. Jason and I have talked lately about how hopeless it just feels. It has been 18 months of waiting with the failed adoption in there that is still so hard to remember and think about. The thought of going to the state of Florida again feels triggering and painful. The thought of starting this new school season still without a child and feeling like we will be waiting for so much more longer is heartbreaking. Give me hope. Help me savor the joy of the sweet child we do have. Sweet Rosie, who is currently pushing around my old cabbage patch kid in a car around her room. Who is growing up to be such a kind, joyful, full of life, adventurous, inclusive little girl.
Lord, my grief is still there. Despite how I feel today, I thank you that for the most part, it really is taking up less space within me that it did this summer. I have had moments the past couple of weeks, though, where I feel myself slipping back a little into the stuckness of waiting. Whether it is noticing my mood being a little more stagnant ("fine" "not super excited about things coming up" "feeling like there isn't much to look forward to" not in a depressed way, because I've been there, but more just a on a scale of 1-10, I'm a 5 or 6. Not horrible, not fantastic). Noticing My dishes piling up and staying in the sink a little longer than normal. Less of a desire to use my "rest time" with you and instead doing other mindless things. I am grateful that I can now notice these small things, though, so that I can cry out to you to help me not slip backwards, but to cling to your Holy Spirit to keep me close to you. To remember who you say I am, as in these times, if I start slipping back, I also start beating myself up more and believing lies about myself. So thank you for my little indications of how I'm doing with things as simple as dishes in the sink.
So Lord, as the verse I wrote above says, help me believe that you guide me, satisfy me, and when I feel scorched that you will fill my soul.
Amen
And Now Notes from the Couch
How to harness hardship to create something beautiful/purposeful/provide something?
I think that I am clinging on too much to the hope of preschool with this thought. That my life will be more purposeful once I have some time to think past just what Rosie needs when I have two days a week again. How do I do this now even if those two days do not come or I do not have time? Lord, give me ideas on how to live out other parts of who you have made me to create again. To dream and use my gifting. I am still so passionate about the world and other countries cultures. I am passionate about words and digital design. I am passionate about the medical field in terms of administration. I am passionate about using my organization and leadership. I am passionate about teams. I am passionate about people growing closer to Jesus. But Lord, my passion is beyond leading a Bible Study. There are so many other ways to be in ministry. Help give me the energy to explore these things or place the opportunities in my lap.
The goal of the island is not isolation, but learning how to enjoy my own company and be confident in who God made me, what He says about me, appreciate and celebrate the gifts He has loaned me to use for Him, regardless of if anyone else is there or not.
- Is it that I can "Live my own life - can gracefully step out of things and give self permission, without feeling bad about it, to decline being involved or doing anything people ask?"
- Differentiation of self is a psychological state of being in which someone is able to maintain their sense of self, identity, thoughts, and emotions when emotionally or physically close with others, particularly within intense or intimate relationships. Developed by Murray Bowen,1 the theory of differentiation of self highlights two important abilities: The ability to separate one’s feelings from thoughts; The ability to maintain one’s feelings and thoughts in the presence and pressure of close, intimate relationships - Choosing Therapy
- My gift of empathy often equals me feeling what others feel for way past when I'm not with that person anymore. Jason often reminds me that people are usually not sitting around thinking about me as much as I'm thinking about or worrying about other people. Empathy is a gift, but I need to learn how to turn it off. There is a difference between having empathy and trusting the Lord to be in charge of that person and having empathy and thinking I have to always be reaching out, checking in, providing, thinking I have to do something to care for someone. The reason that the idea of being on the island actually sounds freeing is because I wouldn't feel like I'm in charge of anyone else or responsible for anyone else. That is also why vacation always sounds nice
- How do I have the same thoughts I have of "no one expects me to do anything for them" while I'm home like I have on vacation? Not the responsibilities I have for Rosie and my family, but the "oh this person is sick, I should stay up on checking in on them." or "oh this person is having a baby so I should send a gift" or "I haven't seen if they want to have a playdate in awhile, I am responsible for that or else they won't like me anymore"
- I have a feeling before I can even get to me on the island enjoying my own company, confident in who I am, that I need to figure out how to differentiate myself from everyone else. So here we go for future weeks.......