The Light Bulb
The Light Bulb moment happened July 3. Jason and I were having our check in's and through just asking how we were doing I broke down. I have known this for awhile. I want to blame Covid. I want to blame our failed adoption. I want to blame a very active and confident 2 year old. I want to blame myself and then feel guilty, but reality is, it doesn't really matter how it has happened. I have drifted/become complacent toward the Lord and Christ in ways that I haven't experienced before. I'm overwhelmed with being a mom and drowning in the lies constantly in my head. I know and have the resources to fight them, but I'm at a spot where even confiding in friends does not feel like enough.
The light bulb. Jason suggested I go back to counseling, and I quickly, with relief say yes. I need a guide to help me come back. To help me fight. To ask the questions I need to be answering at a slower pace than the 100s I give myself and then feel overwhelmed that I can't answer.
My mind is flooded with my hopes and dreams for counseling and a weight begins to lift. This will be a part of my life that I do not have to figure out on my own. I will get a guide.
Freedom
-from comparison
-from insecurities
-from negative body image - i have put on a lot of weight after cancer and now during Covid and am ashamed
-from not believing when people compliment me
-from living as if I’m only worth something if people compliment me
-from basing what I think about myself on what I do, stay at home mom isn’t enough
-from people approval and pleasing
-I’m seeing how it’s now being projected on my daughter as the “I don’t want the hard kid no one wants to play with” “if she keeps grabbing things from the other kid then the kid won’t want to play with her and the mom won’t like me and I’ll look bad”
-freedom from feeling guilty if I cannot hang out with a friend or I feel like they are disappointed if I am unavailable
-freedom from feeling like I have always be the flexible one and move around my schedule to accommodate others - I love having flexibility and being able to do that, but don’t want to feel guilty if I ever can’t do it
-freedom to truly believe Jesus and not be apathetic
-freedom in parenting as a transracial family and not living in fear if “I’m doing it right” ex: an African American person or another TRA family thinks her hair looks bad or we don’t have enough friends that are black - I’m doing so much out of the wrong motivations
-freedom from the guilt of feeling like I know how to “fix” a lot of areas, but don’t do anything, ex: weight - eat better, exercise, Jesus- get up early and spend time in the word, frustration with being sahm with toddler - make and stick to a schedule
-freedom from having to be the person people tip toe around (pregnancies)
-freedom to fully say what I want to say, but then not feel guilty if I think I stepped on anyone’s toes
-freedom from being emotionally swayed so much by other people’s opinions that make me second guess myself
Altering Life Moments
Cancer
Infertility/infertile
Menopause
Failed adoption - May 12, 2020
Waiting for 16 months now
Need for more time just me to think - 2 day a week preschool starts September 1!!!