Monkey Mind

Monkey Mind...the idea that the human mind is filled with drunken monkeys flinging themselves from tree branches, jumping around, and chattering nonstop keeping our minds in constant motion. For example: 

  • Your mind reading off a laundry list of to-do items.
  • Your mind listing its fears, both real and imaginary.
  • Your mind recalling hurtful things that have happened in the past.
  • Your mind judging the present.
  • Your mind creating catastrophic “what-if” scenarios of the future.

As a result of this monkey mind, it’s nearly impossible to slow down and enjoy the present. In addition, all that negativity affects our mood—making us unhappy, angry, restless, and anxious; it hampers our ability to concentrate; it has a negative impact on our behavior; and it interferes with our ability to have positive interactions with others. It’s very stressful to have a barrel of monkeys screeching in our head all day long. 
-Daring to Live Fully

My last counseling appointment felt like this. I brought up 

  • adoption loss/ambiguous loss
  • adoption waiting
  • enneagram
  • not wanting to be labeled
  • how hard toddlerhood is and being a mom
  • sharing about my blog, but then being embarrassed and then not wanting her to read it in front of me
  • Feeling like I went in hopeful and excited about talking through and getting guidance on identity and ending up here, there and everywhere. 
The part about the "drunken" monkeys rings true. I do not believe in Buddha and his teachings (where monkey mind came from), but it sure does feel like there are so many thoughts and feelings and topics happening all at once in there. I used to picture it like one big pile of spaghetti with the noodles all crisscrossing at once, but the metaphor of a bunch of monkeys creating chaos feels more right. Heck, they are just throwing the spaghetti every where while they are in there. 

In the midst of the session, there were still golden nuggets that came out.

  • Ambivalent - two opposing emotions happening at the same time - my favorite word that I always forget, but love. This is the state of life so often and it is normal and ok!
  • The Distraction Veil has been taken off. Often like in a new marriage, the honeymoon period of being a new parent has been taken off. As Rosie has gotten older and isn't just a squishy little baby without her own verbal opinions anymore, I hear my own self doubt as I have to be confident in what I'm telling her.  My distractions from my insecurities are not there anymore and  feel heightened and more intense as I am seeing myself more clearly
  • Stress of Transracial Adoption - are we doing it right?
  • How to tolerate ambiguity? 
    • A question from the beginning of time - see Paul in Romans 7 & 8
    • Am I letting ambiguity and loss take away from enjoying my daughter I have right in front of me?
  • What do I think about with the phrase Grateful Steward?
    • That my gifts and personality are on loan from the Lord and therefore GET to be a part of what He is doing
    • I GET to benefit from Rosie as I see her grow and see the gifts and personality the Lord has loaned to her
  • Why am I so resistant to be labeled?
    • Labels are a tool for diagnosis, and help with creating the best treatment, but do not define who the person is
    • Why do I not want to be a 1? Why is there this mindset that it's "better" to be a 2 and be people oriented?
  • What do I allow to drain me? 
    • Social Media
    • Comparison
    • Negative Talk
    • Being Critical and Sad
    • I "should" on myself all of the time
      • especially with working out and eating - creates shame- makes me say whatever and eat what I want anyway - makes me not feel any better - and repeat cycle
  • Monkey Mind - Takes practice slowing and calming my mind 
    • Stop overanalyzing! (This wasn't from the session, but a good reminder to me and to help my thoughts slow down and not go crazy)
    • What I tend to do now to slow it down: Read a book so that I can focus on one thing